So Highschool

Hi, It’s Heather. I hope I’m not the problem. I probably am. Aren’t we all? Am I vulnerable enough or brave enough to feel the feels? Is my heart open enough to feel “So High School” all over again? 

In high school, I had crushes, but was never brave enough to do anything about them. Who would want to be that vulnerable? My husband and I met when I was 27.  I was finally old enough to be brave and confident not to dwell on the doubts. What did I have to lose? If he didn’t like me, then that’s on him. I’ll move on if he doesn’t like me.

Fortunately for me, and our three children, he did like me. Unfortunately, after more than 24 years of marriage he didn’t appreciate me waking him up with “So High School” every day for a week after Tortured Poets was released. Okay, so he would add that it was usually at six in the morning. 

Listening to “So High School” accomplished what I wanted though. It brought back those early relationship memories and reminded me of what I love about him. And, it’s very relatable. All of it. The only difference is in (Heather’s Version) the line would be “the kids are around so be quiet.” 

After all these years, there is a certain amount of freedom to feel “so high school” all over again. It has given me the bravery to feel vulnerable again and stir those still glowing embers that sometimes feel extinguished as we live our daily lives.

I’ve noticed that I’m brave in other ways too. I’ve increased in confidence in ways I never would have expected. My writing has expanded beyond what I believed was possible. For the last dozen years or so, all of my writing was for documentation that often gets ignored unless there is court involvement. I also co-host a podcast I absolutely love. Faith and I presented at a conference last month and have other big plans brewing. 

Being brave and vulnerable also extends to this blog. After seeing “Wicked” a few weeks ago, I began to feel like the woman behind the curtain and not being my authentic self. So far, I’ve been doing this third person professional type blog as if I were writing notes or a professional letter. I was expecting absolute perfection in each word. 

Then I wrote the blog for “How Did It End?” I realized that while I do need to evaluate and improve, it’s okay if it’s not absolutely perfect. I feel a sense of vulnerability in my writing. I wonder if that’s how Taylor feels when she writes. She is so brave and just puts it all out there and shares it all with the world. 
I want to be brave and loved like Taylor. I also want you to be brave and loved. You are brave. You are also loved, rooted and worthy. Remember that. 

By Heather Olson, LPC-S

Albatross

A wise woman once sang, “Devils that you know raise worse hell than a stranger.” This singular line from Taylor Swift’s “The Albatross” highlights how our thoughts and actions can be affected by the weight we give others’ opinions. It’s one thing to block out strangers, but it’s quite another to ignore people we know and love. Taylor explores this concept through the albatross. 

This song is about how “wise men” warn a mariner (for a full explanation about the mariner listen to our discussion on the episode) about the large seabird and insist that it’s dangerous. However, he doesn’t listen to them. Instead, he shoots the messengers. Ultimately, the mariner accepts the albatross, who warns the mariner about the “wise men.” 

The albatross and mariner are excellent examples of the weight we give others’ opinions and the importance of judging for ourselves. Often, we have outside noise constantly giving opinions. This noise includes social media, news media, friends, family, co-workers, teachers, religious figures, and even significant others. All of this can tap into a need to please others and could be harmful. 

Sorting through the noise and giving weight to other’s opinions can be difficult. For example, the mariner couldn’t believe the people he knew would give him false information or give advice not in his best interest. He sifted through all of that and made his choice. Many times, we hear what others are saying and internalize that into a false belief system that causes emotional problems. 

Taylor’s lyrics opens a dialogue of the impact these Dads, Brads, Chads, Sarahs and Hannahs could have on the mariner. He could give weight to their words, but he chooses not to pay attention. The albatross knew what the consequences were because she had been through it and could empathize. 

Ultimately, the albatross becomes a savior for the mariner. She spread her wings to be a parachute and rescues the seafarer. Hence, “the devil that you know looks now more like an angel.” What others thought was bad for him, is actually probably the best thing to ever happen to him. 

Sifting through all the noise and voices can be challenging, long, and frustrating. No matter your circumstances, we hope you believe you are cherished. You are loved, rooted, and worthy. Remember that.

By Heather Olson, LPC-S and Faith Brown, LAC

imgonnagetyouback

If ever there is an anthem for empowerment – it’s this song. In “imgonnagetyouback,” Taylor explores two possible choices regarding her lover: Does she take him back in her arms or does she smash the bike? Either way, she has decided it’s her choice. 

Shedding old school values and constraints on females, the songwriter explores the possibility of flipping the script and making the decision herself. As she discusses what she might want to do, Taylor is walking us through the familiar feeling of jumbled thoughts and feelings associated with difficult relationships. The words “I told my friends I hate you but I love you just the same.” are a prime example of the ambivalence we feel. 

It can be a challenge to cope with the confusion of loving someone so much that you want to be with them forever while also wanting to seek revenge in the same instant. How can a person make that decision? When we develop connections with others, there’s a reason for it. There are aspects one could still love and appreciate. However, the toxicity of the relationship may have reached a point where stepping back from it is okay. 

Making decisions can be horribly confusing and difficult to understand. Creating a T-chart to compare the pros and cons of different aspects can be very helpful when going through the process. It helps to sort out thoughts and feelings and then prioritize them. Doing so can help us answer the question, “Is it worth it?”

This chart is a not-so-simple example of possibilities for examining thoughts and feelings in more detail. It can be helpful to break it down even further and list the pros and cons of each choice in detail. 

As she reaches the bridge, Taylor comments on the idea of entering a new era of the relationship as it evolves no matter what the decision. “Bygones will be bygone eras/ Fading into gray” gives some hope that the pain of what happened will eventually fade. I don’t know about you, but when Heather was 22, she wanted to feel hope and optimism about the hard things. She was in a tough spot and had a lot of figuring out to do. Eventually, that era of her life did fade from the black of midnight into the light of a gray dawn. 

The road to an emotionally healthy life can be challenging, long, and frustrating. No matter your circumstances, we hope you believe you are cherished. You are loved, rooted, and worthy. Remember that.

By Heather Olson, LPC-S and Faith Brown, LAC

The Black Dog

At first listen, it might seem “The Black Dog” doesn’t have anything in common with “Florida!!!!!!” And when pondering the recovery from the devastation of recent hurricanes in Florida, Georgia and the Carolinas, it may seem as if  the emotional song is about standing in the ruins of a relationship and wondering, “What next?”. 

It’s almost as if the singer goes from sitting out the wild winds and rain in the safety of the bathroom to venturing outside to survey the damage and wondering how to move forward and rebuild her life. 

Whether that is a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family member, or even a work relationship, break-ups are hard. We develop habits within those relationships that may seem to be part of who we are. The Black Dog is about discovering the need to let go and the true impact of the relationships.

“Old habits die screaming” (insert the music screaming as it emotes the singer’s feelings here) is a great way to describe the aftermath of a relationship. So much of who we are and who we become is tied to relationships and habits we develop with others. When those are gone, it’s almost like a loss of our identity and we need to figure out who we are again. Thus, those involved in the relationship move into recovery mode. 

This idea of recovery is a theme that weaves through “The Black Dog.” We learn to identify with the  idea of change and being able to process it. There are times in our lives it may feel easier to live with the old habits than allow them to die. 

By this point, the habits have become an important part of our lives and could simply be muscle memory at this point. This is when change becomes difficult and we need to process it in productive ways. 

As Taylor (or the narrator) ponders whether to sell the house and set fire to all her clothes, she also brings up the need to “hire a priest to exercise my demons.” This statement directly relates to the need we often feel to purge ourselves of the impact of anything that’s upsetting. This is usually done in one of two ways. The first is to completely ignore anything ever that happened and keep bottling up all thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

This method often leads to poor choices, cutting off emotions, and building walls. The second choice is to process the relationship/event/trauma and its impact. Doing so will heal and create space for new habits, new perspectives, and a healthier life. 

Recovery efforts can be challenging, long, and frustrating. No matter your circumstances, we hope you believe you are cherished. You are loved, rooted, and worthy. Remember that. 

By Heather Olson, LPC-S and Faith Brown, LAC